The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism Olivia Fox Cabane :Book Summary
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
Olivia Fox Cabane
Chapter one
“If you’re a leader, or aspire to be one, charisma matters, it gives you a competitive advantage”
Imagine what your life would be
like if you knew that the moment you entered a room, people would immediately
take notice, want to hear what you have to say, and be eager to earn your
approval. For charismatic people, this is a way of life. Everyone is impacted
by their presence. People are magnetically drawn to them and feel strangely
compelled to help them in any way they can. Charisma gets people to like you,
trust you, and want to be led by you. It can determine whether you’re seen as a
follower or a leader, whether your ideas get adopted, and how effectively your
projects are implemented. Like it or not, charisma can make the world go round
— it makes people want to do what you want them to do. Charismatic people seem
to lead charmed lives: they have more romantic options, they make more money,
and they experience less stress.
“Charisma gets people to like you, trust you, and want to be led by you.
If you’re a leader, or aspire to be one, charisma
matters. It gives you a competitive advantage in attracting and retaining the
very best talent. It makes people want to work with you, your team, and your
company. Charisma is what enables one successful salesman to sell five times
more than his colleagues in the same region. It’s the difference between
entrepreneurs who have investors banging on their doors and those who have to
beg the bank for a loan. Contrary to popular belief, people are not simply born
charismatic — innately magnetic from birth. If charisma were an inherent
attribute, charismatic people would always be captivating, and that’s just not
the case. Even for the most engaging superstar, charisma can be present one
moment and absent the next.
As extensive research in recent years has shown, charisma is the result of specific nonverbal behaviors, not an inherent or magical personal quality. This is one of the reasons why charisma levels fluctuate: its presence depends on whether or not someone is exhibiting these behaviors. What this book does is translate the science into practical, immediately applicable tools, with measurable results. You’ll learn how to become more influential, more persuasive, and more inspiring. You’ll learn how to exude charisma — the ability to move through a room and have people go, “Wow, who’s that?” Did you know? Charisma involves managing your mental ecosystem, understanding and attending to your own needs, as well as knowing which behaviors inspire others to see you as charismatic and learning how to project them.
Chapter two
Charismatic behavior can be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth
The following are common charisma myths.
1. You have to be naturally boisterous or outgoing to be charismatic.
Research findings show you can be a very charismatic introvert. Western society places such emphasis on the skills and abilities of extroverts that introverts can end up feeling defective and uncool. But introversion is not a terminal handicap
2. You have to be attractive to be charismatic.
Countless charismatic figures were far from fitting classic standards of beauty. Churchill was not generally considered handsome and certainly not known for his sex appeal. And yet he was one of history’s most influential and powerful leaders.
3. You have to change your personality.
To become more
charismatic, you don’t have to force yourself into one particular personality
style or do something that is against your nature. Instead, you will learn some
new skills.”
Charismatic behavior can be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth.
1. Presence.
Have you ever felt, in the middle of a conversation, as if only half of your mind were present while the other half was busy doing something else? Do you think the other person noticed? The human mind can read facial expressions in as little as seventeen milliseconds, and you may be perceived as inauthentic. It then becomes virtually impossible to generate trust, rapport, or loyalty. And it’s impossible to be charismatic.
Here are a few techniques for remaining present:
• Sounds: Scan your environment for sound.
• Your breath: Focus on your breath and the sensations it creates in your nostrils or stomach as it goes in and out. Pay attention to one breath at a time, but try to notice everything about this one breath.
• Your toes: Focus your attention on the sensations in your
toes. This forces your mind to sweep through your body, helping you to get into
the physical sensations of the moment.
2. Power and warmth.
Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status. Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Just by increasing your projection of power or your projection of warmth, you increase your level of charisma. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language, and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power. Did you know? Because your mind can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality, by creating a charismatic internal state your body language will authentically display charisma.
Chapter three
Increasing your charisma requires knowing which internal obstacle inhibits your personal charisma potential
The next time an uncomfortable emotion is bothering you, try this step-by-step guide to destigmatizing.
1. Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
2. Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
3. Think of others who’ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.
4. See it as one burden shared by many.
Step two: Neutralize negativity. Once you’ve destigmatized the experience, the next step in handling internal negativity is to neutralize negative thoughts. The best way to do this is to realize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate at all. We often think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This is a fallacy.
Use the techniques below to lessen the effects of persistent negative thoughts:
1. Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate.
2. See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.
3. Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; see if you can turn down the volume, or even just put the radio to the side and let it chatter away.
4. Consider the worst-case outcome for your situation. Realize that whatever it is, you’ll survive.
Step three: Rewrite reality.
When a
difficult experience arises and risks impairing your charisma levels, rather
than trying to suppress or ignore your internal difficulties, consider a few
alternate versions of reality. Conjure a few different scenarios that would
induce you into a more useful mental state. Note, the most useful alternate
reality is not necessarily the most pleasant.
Overcoming obstacles. Skillfully handling any difficult experience is a three-step process: destigmatize discomfort, neutralize negativity, and rewrite reality. Let’s get started. Step one: Destigmatize discomfort. This means reducing its power simply by understanding that it’s normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of. Feeling internal discomfort and negativity is a natural part of life. Everyone experiences it.
The next time an uncomfortable emotion is bothering you, try this step-by-step guide to destigmatizing.
1. Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
2. Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
3. Think of others who’ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.
4. See it as one burden shared by many. Step two: Neutralize negativity. Once you’ve destigmatized the experience, the next step in handling internal negativity is to neutralize negative thoughts. The best way to do this is to realize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate at all. We often think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This is a fallacy.
Use the techniques below to lessen the effects of persistent negative thoughts:
1. Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate.
2. See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.
3. Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; see if you can turn down the volume, or even just put the radio to the side and let it chatter away.
4. Consider the worst-case outcome for your situation. Realize that
whatever it is, you’ll survive.”
Step three: Rewrite reality. When a difficult experience arises and risks impairing your charisma levels, rather than trying to suppress or ignore your internal difficulties, consider a few alternate versions of reality. Conjure a few different scenarios that would induce you into a more useful mental state. Note, the most useful alternate reality is not necessarily the most pleasant.
Chapter 4
How to create the right mental states that will help you reach your full charisma potential
Having learned how to handle the most common charisma-inhibiting obstacles, it's time to learn how to create the right mental states that will help you reach your full charisma potential.
1.
Visualization. Golfer Jack Nicklaus said that he never hit a shot, even during
practice, without visualizing it first. For decades, professional athletes have
considered visualization an essential tool, often spending hours visualizing
their victory, telling their mind just what they want their body to achieve.
Because of its powerful mental and physiological effects, visualization is one
of the most effective charisma-boosting tools available.
The following visualization is a great tool to increase the amount of power you want to convey.
• Close your eyes and relax.
• Remember a past experience when you felt absolutely triumphant.
• Hear the sounds in the room: the murmurs of approval, the swell of applause.
• See people’s smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration.
• Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes.
• Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.
2. Gratitude, goodwill, and compassion. Warmth is one of the key components of charismatic behavior. It can make people like you, trust you, and want to help you. Unfortunately, for many people, warmth isn’t an obvious, easy feeling to access; it just doesn’t come naturally. The first step is to get in touch with warmth directed toward life in general, and your life in particular. This falls under the general category of gratitude.
Step one: Gratitude and appreciation. What’s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, and desperation — none of which is very charismatic. We all know that few things will ruin someone’s chances more than giving off an impression of desperation, whether they’re on a job interview or on a date.
Step three: Self-compassion. Self-compassion is what helps us forgive ourselves when we’ve fallen short; it’s what prevents internal criticism from taking over and playing across our face, ruining our charisma potential. In this way, self-compassion is critical to emanating warmth. Interestingly, self-compassion can also help you emanate greater self-confidence.”
3. Using your body to affect your mind.
Displaying confident body language will make you feel more confident; these feelings will affect your body language, which will adapt accordingly, displaying more confident signals. This will give you another feeling boost, and the cycle will build upon itself. All you have to do is get it going. Did you know? You can increase both warmth and confidence by practicing gratitude, goodwill, and compassion for others as well as for yourself.”
Chapter 5
The most practical types of charisma for daily life
There are many charisma types, but the following four are the most practical for daily life, the easiest to access, and thus the most useful to study.
1. Focus charisma: Presence and confidence.
Elon Musk, cofounder
of PayPal and current CEO of Tesla Motors, embodies focus charisma. As he’ll
tell you himself, Musk is very much an introvert. In Tesla’s open office space,
his nearly empty desk is in the far right corner, two huge monitors arranged to
create a cocoon, shielding him from the rest of the office. However, when he
emerges from behind the screens, he is fully present and fully focused. You can
feel the intensity of his attention, how keenly he listens to and absorbs
everything you say. And he doesn’t need to say a word to show you that he
understands you: his nonverbal body language makes you feel completely listened
to and understood. Focus charisma is primarily based on a perception of
presence. It gives people the feeling that you are fully present with them,
listening to them and absorbing what they say. Focus charisma makes people feel
heard, listened to, and understood.
2. Developing focus charisma.
Focus charisma requires, of course, the ability to focus and be truly present. Good listening skills are non-negotiable, as is a certain degree of patience. To develop focus charisma, cultivate your ability to be present.
3. Visionary charisma: Belief and confidence. Visionary charisma makes others feel inspired; it makes us believe. It can be remarkably effective even though it won’t necessarily make people like you. Steve Jobs was notoriously feared inside Apple and had many detractors both within and without, but even these detractors readily admitted to his being both visionary and charismatic. Conveying visionary charisma requires the ability to project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. In this way, visionary charisma is based on power. However, it is also based on warmth. Visionary charismatics aren’t necessarily warm people, but they do feel strongly, even passionately, about their vision. And to be truly charismatic, their vision must include a certain amount of nobility and altruism.
4. Developing visionary charisma. One of the keys to
communicating your visionary charisma is getting yourself into a state of
complete conviction, shedding any doubt. Once you have it: it can inspire
fervent belief and lead monumental change.
Chapter 6
Other practical types of charisma for daily life
Kindness charisma: Warmth and confidence.
Kindness
charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people’s hearts, and
makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely
accepted. One of the reasons that the Dalai Lama has such a powerful effect on
people is his ability to radiate both tremendous warmth and complete
acceptance. People who may have never felt completely, wholeheartedly accepted
suddenly feel truly seen and enveloped in acceptance. This is kindness and
charisma in action.
Developing kindness charisma. It requires willingness, patience, practice, and the right tools. Start with the mindset: practice accessing warmth with internal tools such as gratitude, goodwill, compassion, and self-compassion. Authority charisma: Status and confidence. This form of charisma is possibly the most powerful one of all. Our instinctive deference to authority can take epic proportions, and, of course, can be equally turned toward good or evil. Colin Powell and the Dalai Lama embody authority charisma, but so did Stalin and Mussolini. Authority charisma is primarily based on a perception of power: the belief that this person has the power to affect our world. We evaluate someone’s authority charisma through four indicators: body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others.
Developing authority charisma. Your main aim if you want to gain authority charisma is to project power by displaying signs of status and confidence. Luckily, the two most important dimensions of status and confidence are also the ones over which you have the most influence: body language and appearance. Did you know? You can alternate among different charisma styles or even blend them together. Don’t force yourself into a charisma style that is just too awkward for you. Doing so would negatively affect how you feel and how others perceive you.
Chapter 7
Nonverbal modes of communication are hardwired into our
brains and they affect us far more strongly
Charismatic people are known to be more “contagious”;
they have a strong ability to transmit their emotions to others. As a leader,
the emotions conveyed by your body language, even during brief, casual
encounters, can have a ripple effect through your team or even your entire
company.”
Conscious mirroring. People who have been married for many years often end up looking like each other, this tendency to mimic the body language of others is technically called limbic resonance and it’s hardwired into the human brain. Limbic resonance is made possible thanks to a certain class of neurons called oscillators, which coordinate people physically by regulating how and when their bodies move together. Imitating someone’s body language is an easy way to establish trust and rapport. This technique, which is often called mirroring or mimicking, is the conscious application of something that many charismatic people do instinctively. During your next few conversations, try to mimic the other person’s overall posture: Because people focus primarily on themselves while interacting, they usually won’t notice that you’re mirroring unless you are exceedingly obvious about it.
Personal space. Being charismatic means making others
feel comfortable, at ease, and good about themselves when they are around you.
In nonverbal communication, one crucial element for making people feel at ease
and establishing rapport is respecting the amount of personal space people need
to be comfortable. Conversely, not respecting people’s personal space
preferences can create high levels of discomfort, and those emotions could
become associated with you. It’s worth paying attention.”
Eye contact is so meaningful to us that our brains are
hardwired to experience separation distress whenever someone with whom we have
significant eye contact turns away. Did you know? While our words speak to a
person’s logical mind, our nonverbal communication speaks to a person’s
emotional mind.
Chapter 8
Command your audience’s attention and respect during a presentation using authority charisma
The following recommendations are valid whether you’re presenting to a very small group or a very large one. In fact, these guidelines can even be highly relevant when you’re aiming to inspire, influence, or persuade an audience of one.
The New York Times — one of the best and most respected
newspapers in the United States — is purportedly written so simply that a tenth
grader can understand it. The paper’s readership includes highly educated
business executives, successful entrepreneurs, and CEOs. But the editors know
that their readers are often thinking about six things at once, juggling far
too many balls in the air.
• Select the single most important idea you want to convey and make it as crystal clear and easy to understand as you possibly can.
• Use a story to support your point. Using metaphors and to capture your audience’s imagination.
• Make numbers and statistics personal, meaningful, and relatable for your audience.
• It’s all about them. Use the word you as often as possible.
• Get graphic. The brain thinks in pictures, so choose a language that is vivid and sensory-rich.
• Beware of negotiations: avoid the “no problem” trap.
• Keep it short. With each sentence, ask yourself: What value is this sentence delivering? Creating a charismatic appearance. You’re going to be in the spotlight, so think carefully about the message you want to convey through your clothing. Is it authority? Power? Warmth?
• Red conveys energy, passion. Wear red to wake up an audience.
• Black shows you’re serious and that you won’t take no for an answer.
• White exudes honesty and innocence, which is why defendants often choose it in the courtroom.
• Blue emits trust. The darker the shade, the deeper the level of trust it elicits.
• Gray is a good neutral, the quintessential color of business.
• Orange and yellow are not recommended. Because they are the first to attract the human eye, they are also the first to tire it.”
Chapter 9
Charisma requires practice — practice until your every breath is perfect
Charisma takes practice.
Steve Jobs, who appeared so
masterful on stage, was known to rehearse important presentations relentlessly.
When you know that a particular presentation will have a significant impact on
your career, it’s worth rehearsing until you feel that it’s part of your very
bones. One interesting technique used by magicians is to run through the entire
presentation once with their eyes closed.
Projecting power.
Charismatic speakers know how to give the impression that they’re as comfortable walking across the stage as they would be walking across their living room. This is called owning the stage, and there are three tricks to making it happen.
• When you stand, be sure to have a wide stance, well-balanced on both feet.
• Practice without a podium or a lectern. Speaking behind one can give the impression that you’re fearful to venture out, and prefer staying behind the safety of a shield.
• Find the right
volume to project confidence. Ask a few people sitting in the back of the room
to be your sound experts and give you a prearranged signal to raise or lower
your volume if need be.
Pause, breathe, and slow down.
In addition to
practicing, it can be helpful to ask a member of the audience to give you a
prearranged signal reminding you to slow down. It’s really worth paying
attention to your tempo because the slower you speak, the more thoughtful and
deliberate you will sound, and the more attention people will give to what you
say. After delivering a key point or an impactful story, pause for a few
seconds to let your audience take it in. If you’ve just used humor, have the
courage to wait for the laughter to swell and subside before you move on.
Pausing is equally critical to end your presentations. Don’t run off stage.
Conclusion
Now you know what charisma is: behaviors that project presence, power, and warmth. You know these behaviors can be learned, and you’ve been given an entire toolkit to do so. You’ve been absorbing a host of new practices, mindset shifts, and ways of being. From here onward, it’s going to be a delicate balance between being true to your nature and stretching out of your traditional comfort zones. As you practice them, these techniques will gradually become a part of who you are rather than a set of skills you’re learning.
Remember, it’s really a question of accessing different parts of you, learning to more fully express qualities that you already have. Stretch the boundaries of your comfort zone in low-stakes situations. On the other hand, when you’re in high-stakes situations, don’t take the risk of coming across as uncomfortable or inauthentic.
While you’re learning, in difficult or important situations, stick with the charismatic behaviors and styles that are easiest for you. Try this: When constructing a charismatic Message, you should:
• Use the word you as often as possible. Use their words, their stories, their metaphors: Hole in one for golfers, shipwreck for sailors. Try also to match your verbs to your audience: lead or initiate for businessmen, build for engineers, craft for artists.
• Get graphic. The brain thinks in pictures, so choose the language that is vivid and sensory-rich.
• Beware of negotiations: avoid the “no problem” trap.
• Keep it short. With each sentence, ask yourself:
What value is this sentence delivering? Even when crafting stories, give only
details that convey comprehension or enjoyment. Think sneak preview, not
full-length movie.
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