How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age by Dale Carnegie 

Book Summary

Chapter 1.

Believe it or not, 1936 is still relevant today, with plenty for us to learn.

Indeed a book written more than 80 years ago holds no relevance in the modern-day? Surely our lives have moved on; surely we’re far more digitally-minded than those days? Well, yes, but regardless of technological advancements, it seems the human mind is still stuck in the ’30s in so many ways. Dale Carnegie spoke sense, and he told the truth “dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face.” True even today. By understanding the art of communication in a way that goes far beyond simply speaking words, you’ll create opportunities for huge success throughout your life.

Learning to deal with people in the right way will open up your future potential in life, business, and relationships.

Learning to communicate in the right way, connecting with people at their most profound inner core, and using all of this in line with digital methods is your aim. These days the stakes are probably higher than they have ever been before. Digital methods mean that we can easily make a mistake, and it’s communicated across the globe virally, within seconds. Businesses, relationships, friendships, connections can all be broken with just the touch of a “send” button. By listening to the words that Dale Carnegie imparted upon us, you’ll see that 1936 is still very relevant, even today. Did you know? “How to Win Friends & Influence People” featured on Time Magazine’s top 100 most influential books in 2011, ranking at number 19.

 

Chapter 2
Be careful of what you type and what you say

Social media is a blessing in many ways but a curse in so many others. It brings you closer to more people than you could ever have imagined but takes you away from those sitting right next to you. It can also be a make or break in terms of business and relationships. Take Ryan Babel, the Dutch footballer, as a good example. Feeling rather annoyed after his team, Liverpool, lost to Manchester United, he took to his Twitter account to vent his frustrations, calling out the referee’s ability. The result? He was fined around $16,000.

We need to be more careful about what we post on social media. A lousy post can come back to bite you in the future.

We have to be so much more careful about what we say than ever before. We live in sensitive times, after all. The Huffington Post found that many people had been fired from their jobs due to what they posted on their social media accounts. This ease of letting off steam digitally means that we criticize more than we err on the side of kindness. We can easily show our frustrations or opinions to others at the touch of a button. Did you know? 500,000,000 tweets are sent every day; how many of those are well thought out?.

 

Chapter 3. Do you bad mouths? It's time to stop and keep your calm

 

Had Ryan Babel remained tightlipped on his Twitter account and blown off steam to his friends instead, he would have kept $16,000 in his bank account. If he had given it 5 minutes to calm down, the savings would remain. We should shift the focus of our social media from aggressive and critical to positive and encouraging. Ask yourself why you need to post what you’re thinking of posting; are you doing it because you have a bone to pick with someone? Is this the best way to solve it?

Before you post on social media, think about your motivation behind that post.

President Lincoln would have done well in the digital age because he was an expert at human communication. He took the time to calm down before speaking, and he knew when to speak and when to remain silent. He carefully weighed up every word he said. President Lincoln knew about humans, and he knew how to get the best out of people via the words he said.

The people you badmouth could be people you need to work with in the future; think very carefully before you speak.

Remember, if all you do is criticize and blow off steam on your social media accounts, you’re quickly going to lose followers, both in the personal and business worlds.

 

Chapter 4. Make the ultimate impression by showing you care

Kindness always wins, and the single best way to make friends and influence others is to show human empathy at the heart of what you do. Dale Carnegie highlights an example of a shepherd tasked with guarding 100 sheep. One evening he rounds up the sheep and finds 99 in place and one missing. Rather than praying and hoping the sheep will return safe and unharmed, he places the other sheep in their pen and goes out looking for that single sheep. In human terms, this shows those around you, and those you’re working with, that you care about them; nobody is left behind.

Kindness costs nothing, and it is the best way by far to show people you care. When you do that, they reward you with their loyalty.

Showing people that they are valuable to you enhances relationships beyond measure. We often find it hard to affirm the positives in others, usually finding it easier to highlight the negatives, but by doing this, you’re showing people that you are noticing their good points. There is a genuine difference between doing this and flattering without reason. At the heart of it is a real concern for other people.

Look for the positive points in other people, rather than focusing on the negatives.

The digital age has made us obsessed with celebrity and material things, but taking the time to go back to basics, and keep things on a human level, is vitally important.

Become meaningful in your interactions, and the path to success in any endeavor is simpler and fat more sustainable.

Chapter 5. Connect on a deeper level by turning the tables around.

Connecting with a person’s genuine inner desire is the single best way to influence their behavior, especially in business. Apple showed this when they launched a different type of computer to the norm, back in 2002. This was viewed as a risk by many, but Steve Jobs had been listening to our author’s words! He realized that if you want to influence someone to do something, you need to connect with them on a basic level, e.g., their inner desire. Jobs realized that people wanted this creative, new style of computer, so he gave them what they wanted, and sales flooded in.

Identify what people want on a deeper level to connect.

To do this, you need to put yourself in another person’s shoes. You have to think like they do and explore what they want. Also, you need to give them what they want and make sure that it’s beneficial for you. In the Apple example, everyone won out; people got their desired product, and Apple made a fortune. Of course, everything you do has to come from actual actions and desires. You can create a solid and powerful impression by taking an interest in the likes and dislikes of other people. For instance, we know that dogs are man’s best friend. A dog is interested in you 100%. They will wait by the door for you; they will never let you down or make you feel bad. In terms of taking an interest in what other people are and like, you need to act like a dog.

Be genuine in all your interactions; people can see through a fake act.

This is also about genuine friendliness in terms of smiling and remembering the names of those you meet. This is basic stuff, but it’s surprising how quickly it gets forgotten. Smiles are powerful; they increase bonding and trust and create an impression of someone approachable and kind. It’s no surprise that the most viewed videos on YouTube are about people smiling  it’s contagious, and it lets people know that you want to talk to them, that you’re genuine, and as a result, they will want to speak to you.

A smile, someone once said, costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give.

Friendliness is also about listening. Do you know how to listen? Not many people do! In business, listening is vital. In the book, there's an example of someone who had a complaint to make to United Airlines. He was passed from person to person whenever he called them, and in the end, he wrote a song that went viral on YouTube in 2009. United Airlines’ shares plummeted as a result. Listening to those around you, especially your customers, is vital.

Listening isn't just about hearing words; it's about really tuning in to the other person.

Most of us don’t listen; most of us don’t even talk to other people anymore. The American Sociological Review concluded that compared to 20 years ago, people are more isolated socially than ever before.

Chapter 7. What matters to other people? Be genuinely interested and connect faster
 

To connect with people, we need to know what matters to them and use that information wisely. We often talk about what we like, what we’ve done, how we feel, but we don’t talk about what the other person likes, feels, or wants. Most people don’t listen if it’s not about them. If you’re going to make an impression, you need to tap into that information and use it to communicate more effectively. In terms of marketing, this is vital.

Turn your attention to the other person and don’t focus on yourself.

Perhaps this is the reason why so many people don’t have real friends anymore. You could argue that it’s because we’re all too concerned with the number of followers we have on social media, but it’s also about the fact that you need to risk vulnerability to have a true friendship.

Being brave enough to open up can be difficult, but if you want to develop genuine and honest connections, you need to learn to be vulnerable.

Nobody likes admitting when they’re wrong; most of us would prefer to argue it out and prove a point than say, “Hey, I’m wrong.” To establish any trust, being able to be big enough to admit you’re wrong is vital, as is avoiding arguments in the first place.

Rather than having to apologize or avoid the issue, learn to avoid arguments from the get-go

Arguments lead to dead ends; it’s a waste of time. All you’re trying to do is prove a point and make them see that you’re right, usually ending in both of you concluding that the other one is wrong! It’s far better to approach conflict with an open mind and see it as an opportunity for growth and learning. It’s also a big issue to tell someone they’re wrong, don’t do it. The great Mahatma Gandhi once said, “friendship that insists upon agreement on all sides is not worth the name.” We will never agree 100% of the time, but we have to compromise and see the other person’s side to move forward and grow. By seeing all sides, you’re creating opportunities for collaboration, and who knows what creative ideas may come out of that.

To leave the road of continual failure, a person must first utter the three most difficult words to say: ‘I was wrong.'

The other side of this is the ability to admit when you’re wrong and to do it quickly. Take Tiger Woods as a good example. The infamous Thanksgiving car crash cost Woods a lot of time, damage, and heartache. He could have avoided that by stating an apology quickly and publicly. We have the perfect ability to broadcast that we are wrong via social media, but do we do it? Rarely. Being able to admit your mistakes makes you a stronger person and instantly wins over the trust of others.

Having the courage to apologize helps you connect with other people because they will see that you’re genuine.

 

Chapter 7. Disarm people With a Positive Approach

We’ve talked about being friendly, but when you combine that with positivity, the results are doubled. We mirror what we experience, so if someone is off-hand with us, we’re probably going to respond in the same off-hand manner. However, if someone is friendly and cheerful to us, we’re more likely to be the same back. This is an excellent tool for helping to build trust and influence those around you. If you want to win trust, friendship, and connections, you need to begin with the basics, friendliness.

People prefer to be around positivity, so drop the negativity and learn to look on the bright side!

The digital age has also made it far easier to create affinities with others. You have a starting point that would have been far more difficult to ascertain before the dawn of the digital age. The key is to use this to the best of your ability, positively and proactively.

Connect with like-minded people on Facebook by joining one of the many groups based on different interests.

You have already received approval; now, you can use that starting point to build up influence and trust. You’ll get further yes’ if you start with a yes! Suppose you want to influence other people and enhance relationships and connections, you need to realize that you cannot have it all your way. You have to acknowledge the role of others in your success and be happy to share the credit or even hand it over completely.

Relationships work two ways: you need to give to receive and vice versa.

Dale Carnegie gives an example of a training student in Australia who once owned an IT retail company with his business partner. The company failed because he wouldn’t allow his business partner to share the credit, constantly putting him down and refusing his ideas. This selfishness caused the downfall of his business. Thankfully, he learned from his mistakes. While it’s perfectly normal to want to achieve credit for something you worked hard for, it’s essential to be conscious of the hard work of others, too; you cannot do everything yourself. It isn’t all about you!.

Always remember to give credit where credit is due.

The perfect example to sum up this point is a story about the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea. The River Jordan feeds both seas, but while the Sea of Galilee is full of colorful marine life, sparkling and fresh, the Dead Sea is precisely that, dead, nothing in there, empty. Why is this? They say because the Sea of Galilee happily gives all of its water to others credit, while the Dead Sea refuses. Don’t be like the Dead Sea!.

Conclusion.

The ability to effectively make friends and influence people comes down to the basics, the things which we have forgotten as the years have rolled by. We’re far too concerned with the material, fancy things in life, and the latest celebrity gossip. However, the ability to connect with others on a real, human level is right there in front of us. We have lost the ability to see it. It’s possible to develop solid and genuine relationships with people simply by being honest and open. This cannot be done on a messaging app or the telephone. 

It’s far better to be present in the moment and speak to people face to face. By treating other people how you want to be treated, you cannot go wrong. You will gain the respect of others simply by being a kind and considerate person. If more of us followed this advice, the world as a whole would be a better and kinder place. It comes down to the simple things in the end. So, be honest, be yourself, admit your mistakes, avoid confrontation, put yourself in the shoes of others, and raise people rather than knocking them down. Become a person that people want to be around. By doing that, you’ll have far more influence than you could ever dream of. How does this benefit you? Endlessly.

From love to friendships, family connections to work situations, knowing how to interact and communicate properly with other people opens up a wealth of opportunities. The good news is that with a little focus and effort, anyone can master these skills. 

Try this 

• For one whole week, challenge yourself to avoid arguments of all types and instead focus on collaboration and seeing the other side of the discussion. 

• Avoid posting negative or opinionated comments on social media, and keep things positive. 

• Challenge yourself to see situations through the eyes of others to help develop your empathy skills. If someone seems upset, watch their body language, understand more about what they’re telling you and imagine how you would feel in their situation. This will allow you to connect with them more deeply.